Valley Trains are held hostage

Train services in the valleys could be cancelled because of repeated attacks by various gangs… that is the stark message from rail bosses.

The breaking point came after Mexican bandits held up the Pontypridd to Tonypandy train last Friday. A gun battle took place between rail staff and the bandits, but finally the bandits took over the train. Then passengers and staff were made to eat hot chilli fajitas and wear large Mexican hats until dawn. No one was killed but a member of the rail staff grazed his knee and will probably be off work for 12 months.

In another serious incident Indians stopped the Ystrad Rhonnda train and scalped the ticket inspector and pinched a box of fire water (or gin to us) before taking two blonde haired young girls to become squaws. The poor ticket inspector, who as worked for the company for the past 103 years, is still unable to return to work and is looking for a good wig maker. CCTV cameras shows the red faced attackers surrounding the train from all sides before disabling its security system by sticking a lolly stick into it, preventing it from being able to move.

A spokesman for Arriva trains told us ‘Its getting worse. We have always had cases of gangs trying to pinch trains; Miners, nurses and the odd priest but these are not normal everyday people….Now we have Mexicans, Indians, Monsters, cave men…what next…bloody Nazis….i blame the government.”

Two months of trouble of the trains

March 5th – 6pm Pontypridd to Treherbert – aliens misbehave before zapping the Treherbert train station.

March 8th 5pm – Dinas Rhondda – Drunken tennis players piss over ticket inspector and beat driver with rackets before escape over a grassy hedge.

March 15th – Maesteg – cows throw stones from bridge. Passenger loses eye.

March 28th – Whitchurch – gangs of Mormons and Salvation army members have running battles on the lunch time express. Several people killed, one fatally.

April 3rd – 4pm – Ynysowen – OAP’s rebel against the lack of tea facilities. Train overturned and left on track.

April 27th 3pm – Llandaff – Driver spat at by Nuns and stripped of all his clothes and thrown into a bunch of stingey nettles. Driver now recovering in a giant doc leaf.