Super glue and hot water....the only solution

Dear Dr Zelda,
I think that my husband is having an affair with my best friend. He’s started to wash under his armpits and change his pants once a week. What should I do?

Sharon, Bridgend

Dr Zelda says:-
Piece of p-ss. Now listen girl, do what I did when I caught my husband poking his trout in some other murky pond. Wait until you have your rags up, then get loaded on cheap sherry. Go around to the bitch’s house with a boiling hot kettle, some sea salt and dose the two timing whore good and proper. Then march back home and super glue your husband’s Japs eye shut… then put your feet up and have a cup of Typhoo.

If you have the same judge has me, you will get off with a slap on the wrist and strong medication for your periods.

Problem solved…all down to Dr Zelda’s hot kettle and glue revenge treatment
 

Todger Problems

Dear Dr Zelda,
I’m 25 years old, not bad looking, quite fit and have a decent todger. The problem is I’ve been getting a lot of erections. It pops up over the most stupid thing. Last week I was mowing the lawn and BANG…I had a stiffy that lasted for 4 hours. It gets painful and the only way it seems to ease is if I play with it, but I have an issue then because my ball bag resembles a walnut.

Dr Zelda, I’m really embarrassed to see a doctor what should I do?

Gary, Trefil 

Dr Zelda says:-
I can already hear all the blokes out there yeling ‘What a jammy b-stard.’ Look gary love, I know it must be difficult to talk about it but whatever you do, don’t go and see a bloody doctor. Knowing them daft pr-cks they will only go and cure you. Imagine all the missed opportunities for you. You could star in porn films, have a new life has a live sex stud; you could be the new John Homes of Trefil.
    So next time you get one, pop around to see me straight away…straight away mind you…we haven’t got a moment to waste… and by the way, bring your lawn mower my grass needs some attention.

Problem-solved thanks to Dr Zelda’s keep up for ever advice